Commander's Log

Cheated???

That’s what he said at dinner. “I understand why you cheated, I still love you”.

I almost biotically charged his steak sandwich into his face. Instead, I used my head. To me when we met on Horizon, and he told me how I’d betrayed everyone. Called me “The woman he’d loved”…past tense, and walked away…it was a clear break up. No doubts. I explained that as calmly as I could, even though reliving it brought that familiar heartache back to the surface.

Even when his letter arrived, it was so full of maybe and we’ll see, and I don’t knows. I didn’t see any way we had a chance, and his letter was clear that he was leaving himself a HUGE way out. I told him that too.

Hell even he tried to move on.

And I explained as calmly as I could that Thane was no fling. He was no unthinking affair. It was real, and I did love him. Part of me always will. Just as I still love Kaidan, no matter how hard I’ve been trying to bury it.

I told him if he saw that as cheating, he wasn’t the man I knew. I figured our date was over at that point. He’s always been so stubborn in his ideals and beliefs. I excused myself, and started to leave, but he took my hand.

He told me I was right. Apologized for ever saying I cheated. Said he’d never looked at it from my point of view, and actually thanked me for showing him that side of the issue. I was shocked.

The rest of dinner went better. We talked about his home in Vancouver. I answered the myriad of questions he had about my new battle style. I explained my l5x implants caused problems with Singularity and Lift. Told him about the entire crew teaching me tech and weapons better than even N7 had.

He told me about his Spec Ops Biotic squad, and his promotion to Major.

Eventually the conversation rolled back to what we wanted…about us. I told him the truth. I’m tired of burying these feelings, I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be with him. After having him with me on the field again, talking to him, thinking over strategy with him, It all came back. It’s RIGHT.

When he took my hand, put it against his cheek and kissed the palm…I wanted to drag him back to the Ship ASAP.

With this wicked grin he said he was going to take his time…and eat his sandwich. He also mentioned he was happy. And that him being happy came with benefits.

Still can’t get him back to the ship. Damned steak sandwiches.

My inbox is full of requests for fun times with my squad while we’re here. Coffee with LIara, Mystery fun with Garrus, Drinks with Cortez, Purgatory with Jack, poker with James, a chat with Miranda.

Dinner with Kaidan.

Dinner. With Kaidan.

I won’t deny old feelings are still there. But I just lost Thane and I loved him too. How the hell did this happen? In the middle of a reaper invasion, I end up loving two men. Ok fine, I never STOPPED Loving Kaidan. As hard as I tried. But Thane JUST died. It’s only been a couple months.

I’ve spent a lot of time messaging with Kolyat. He insists Thane would want me o move on, not dwell on him. Be happy. But it’s just not that easy is it? He says Thane knew from the time we met on the Citadel again…that there was something still there. That he’d wish for me to move on. We’ll see.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it. It’s just a simple dinner.

And it’s my birthday. I was 29 when we boarded the Normandy SR1. I was dead for my 30th and 31st.  I guess that makes me 32 now.

Holy SHIT we found a living Prothean. There is a PROTHEAN on my ship. I think Liara is in heaven right now.

I don’t even KNOW what to think…just…damn!

He is the only survivor of his people. I’ve seen their last days, and…If they couldn’t defeat the Reapers, how can WE??

Morale is pretty low right now. With Cerberus dogging our every step, having to fight THEM to do anything progressive towards our main goal. We’re all run down, and tired. I think it’s time for some Shore leave.

We’re heading back to the Citadel soon. We have apartments permanently reserved for us (thank you Spectre office!), and I think we all deserve some soft beds and good food.

Javik…that’s our Prothean’s name, wants to visit as well, a week won’t kill us. Just need to clean up a few N7 missions first.

You don’t wake up in the morning expecting to end up in a stand off with the man you once loved.

Udina led a coup on the Citadel, laying a trap for the Council…for Cerberus to assassinate them.

Kaidan being who he is, was doing everything in his power to save them. Including shooting through the top of the elevator I had just jumped on top of. Caught me in the ass with a bullet. He’s currently pacing outside the med bay while Doc patches me up.

I couldn’t have shot him. No way. When I lowered my gun after stepping out of the elevator, I had to trust him…that he wouldn’t make me shoot. Thank God he saw through Udina when he did. The Asari councilor helped. He took down Udina, I could have taken the shot but it HAD to be Kaidan, he may still have doubts it was right, but better he doubt himself than me again. Selfish? Yes. But I’ve learned sometimes I have to be.

Unfortunately, Thane died in the attacks. He came to my side just as as assassin named Kai Leng confronted us. We had been in contact via omnitool, but I was hoping he’d just stay somewhere SAFE.

Of course it was Thane, he couldn’t do that. He faced Leng down, almost had him too. But Leng got his sword into his belly.

I was with him in the end. As was Kolyat. His last act, was to have a prayer said for me…I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. This former assassin, once only loyal to the next job…died saving me, and my squad. Trying to save the Council.

I will miss him so much. But I am at peace. He won’t suffer through the end stages of Keprels, because he went out doing what he loved. He went on HIS terms. He died a hero. And I’ll always have him with me, the things he taught me have saved not only my life but my sanity.

When I returned to the Normandy, Kaidan was waiting. Hackett offered him a good position with his team, but he wanted back on the Normandy. It’s going to be awkward I guess. But I couldn’t refuse. This is where he belongs, and God knows we need him.

The Genophage is cured.

The Dalatrass is a backstabbing slimeball, thanks to the sabotage of the Shroud on Tuchanka, the ONLY method of spreading Mordin’s cure…he sacrificed his life to get it done. Had to be him. Someone else might have gotten it wrong. But if the Salarians hadn’t sabotaged that tower, he wouldn’t have had to die. Of course the Dalatrass blames me for his death. Shame on me for being honest with a friend, and exposing the STG sabotage.

If that makes me a horrible person then I’ll happily take that mantle. She refused to add their numbers to ours to fight the Reapers of course. I should be upset about that, but honestly, I don’t care. We can do this without them.

The Asari are still holding out. Again, heaven forbid we save a race and culture from terminal sterility. Never mind the fact that I’ve seen more “bad” from Asari than Krogan in the last three years. Never mind that it was a KROGAN that helped defeat Saren, the Geth, and Sovereign and save the Citadel. Never mind that it was a Krogan, albeit a baby one, that helped stop the collectors. And that it was an Asari matriarch that helped Saren.

I refuse to support the eventual extinction of an entire species because they MIGHT be trouble some day. With Wrex and Eve leading them, they have HOPE. They have wisdom and strength, and unstoppable force for change.

Kaidan’s out of the hospital, and now the second human spectre. Good for him. He’ll be good at it. Unfortunately I’m heading to the Citadel to meet with the Salarian councilor, Udina is making some strange financial moves. Why am I not surprised?

My head hurts.

The Krogan won’t help unless we rescue the female Krogan that the Salarians took from Tuchanka. The salarians of course don’t want THAT. But thanks to some support from Victus, the Dalatrass…reluctantly, caved.

As if stealing the Krogan females was a defensible position in the first place! These people are just insane. Meanwhile the Reapers are still destroying Earth, and Palaven.

But hey that’s not important right??

Fuck my life.

Palaven is a mess. Thank God Garrus was alive, and apparently he’s a big deal now. I saw a general salute him.

We managed to get A Primarch, not THE Primarch, he was dead before we arrived. And HE won’t help until we get the damned Krogan on board. Which has the Asari counselor’s panties in a wad.

How the hell did I end up in charge of this bullshit summit anyhow? Got word to Wrex, he should be there. Along with the Salarian dalatrass. Christ I hope the Normandy can handle the explosions that are bound to come from this little meeting. I really don’t need spaced again.

At least we have Garrus back. I couldn’t have taken anything happening to him. Though suddenly he’s a big Mama Hen, I told him I’m fine but I swear if I hadn’t gone to get some sleep he’d have dragged me to my quarters and tucked me in himself. Or knocked me out. More likely knocked me out.

Had a dream about the kid…didn’t sleep much.

Saw Kaidan, God he’s in bad shape. The docs say he’ll be alright…coming from Chakwas I feel somewhat better. I should have caught that thing before she got on the shuttle, I should have been more patient with his doubts. It’s not like I don’t understand them…it’s just so frustrating.

To make matters worse, it seems everything we did was for nothing. The council still won’t help. Oh they believe the Reapers are coming now. But now they’re worried about their own races, I should have known. Hell Ash knew back on the SR1. Well they’ll help if their problems are seen to first in some stupid Summit.

I did get some manner of help from the Turian counselor at least. Not much more than a push in the right direction, but it’s something. I need to go get a Primarch from Palaven. It’s under heavy Reaper attack, they’ve made their moon their base for now.

Garrus could be on Palaven…dammit. I pray he’s OK. That’s enough incentive to get there. But I hate leaving Kaidan like this.

Kaidan’s hurt. It’s bad. Some crazed Mech/person/thing…Dr Eva Core led us on a chase after downloading the data from the Mars Archive…we thought after James (foolishly) rammed our shuttle into hers that she was dead. As we regrouped, she emerged and grabbed Kaidan…slamming him repeatedly into the shuttle wreckage. He’s not conscious…it’s not good.

Damn it, if I was just a little faster.

Landing at the Citadel, Liara has been the strong one for a switch.

Please God don’t let him die…we need him.

We found Liara! What a little badass she has turned into. From the young girl that got dizzy when she got overwhelmed with data on the SR1, to the more mature but still a bit child like girl on Illium, to Shadow Broker…and now, my girl is all grown up and kicking ass.

Progress is slow. Taking a breather in the last room we cleared while Liara looks over video footage of what happened here.

Kaidan had an idea to find a helmet to helmet comm device on one of the troops we killed. Which, I’ll admit was brilliant. Right up until we saw his face. I don’t know what Cerberus is doing, but he almost looked husk like…

That’s when Kaidan asked if that’s what they did to me. Fuck me, he compared ME to THAT??? Oh and I may be a clever VI that THINKS I’m Shepard. It took me MONTHS to accept that I am ME, and now he’s got the nerve to go there.

I’m noone’s puppet God damn it. Least of all Cerberus, but there’s no convincing him. Stubborn ass.

I don’t need those doubts in my head again. I’m me…I know I’m me…